the penultimate day

i should be finishing up my paper right now, which i have to submit by 5pm but i just couldn't stop thinking about something... specifically the events i referred to in my last post.

that said, i've made the following conclusions:
1. i was drunk. really drunk a word of advice? try and stay within your limits, especially if you're post-duty. i guess that applies for most other situations. don't bite off more than you can chew, yadda yadda.
2. i was thinking too much and made a bigger deal about it than i should have. at least that's the impression i got froM...
3. on a much deeper level, i fear my priorities are shot... and while it doesn't scare me yet, i'm going to have to deal with them all soon.
4. yup, real problems are "better" than imagined ones. they make life much more interesting and worth living...

...i'd better finish my paper first.

"moon is up..."

"...The sun is down. You can't have it both ways 'round. Won't you listen to me? We are worlds apart, you see..."

my idea was to post a message during each of the final 10 days of internship. so much for that! this week has moved along at quite a slow pace then suddenly, i've the rug pulled from under me. it's been a very quick 24 hours. everything was fine, especially last night. i was with friends, on a very relaxed night out. and for a time, everything was perfect. sure, the alcohol helped a bit, hehe, but more than that, it was the comfortable company that made things click. our laughter punctuated the air, which was more inebriating than any liquor and infinitely better. it seemed we would never run out nor tire of stories we've heard over and over again. our bliss almost tangible. but, like all good things... :(

anyway... shit. i did something very selfish and irresponsible and something which may turn out to be hurtful. and maybe i'm thinking about it too much and over-analyzing it, but just the same, i'm hating myself for it. and it's only now that it's biting me in the ass. while it may be a bit too late and fall on deaf ears, i'm sorry, M.

as for you, dear lone reader, we are going to have to talk...

"(The) moon is up. The sky is black. I'll sail away and won't come back. The sun goes down, the stars will rise and dance across the darkened skies...

counting down

TODAY is another POST-duty day, my FIRST in my LAST rotation at the People's Gateway to Hell as an intern. Usually, I have a lot of things on my mind that i may want to write about. You know, the thoughts that were marinating in muh brain during the past 24 hours or so but tonight... i'm kinda impotent. Figuratively speaking.

Tomorrow's graduation day, hey! but, it's the first of two since this is the university rites. The MD class 2005 is slated for next month so tomorrow's gonna be something of a "rehearsal" graduation. maybe a 'dummy' grad? tomorrow's gonna have it's moments but being set in while still in the midst (even though tail-end na) of internship kinda diminishes its impact. or is it just me, trying to downplay it?

la lang... parang practice ang dating. practice mag-march, practice mainip, practice mag-pose for the cameras, practice, practice, practice umiyak?? haha! pero pano nga kaya ang pakiramdam bukas? yikes, REAL life fast approaching! pero for now, i'll just take it one day at a time, enjoy the remaining 11 days of my life as a med student...

hmm... an idea springs to mind. (sorry ulit kung wala kang naiintindihan...)

scatterbrain

last night i went on duty at the ER. it wasn't as toxic as the usual duties.. wait, wait. what am i saying?? it WAS toxic! i didn't even get a wink of sleep or even got to eat on time! the patients just kept on comng. undercover policemen with gunshot wounds... a "crazy" (sorry for the term, yoko na masyado mag-isip) woman who got electrocuted and fell from the roof... a man with half his face hacked off... all sorts of people with each their own unique (tragic?hilarious? freaking stupid?)stories that i wouldn't be able to think up, even if i tried.

but that's not the point.

what is it with me lately? a few years back, i could pride myself with being a level-headed, extremely patient guy. these days though, it doesn't take much to get me riled up. of course, there are some instances when i'm the exact opposite. the opposite being...? infinite patience. or maybe indifference. it depends on the person or situation. (i can feel an onrush of thoughts coming.. where to start, where to start? will you be able to handle the flood??).

persons. i can never hold a grudge, i think. maybe it's the belief in the inherent goodness of everybody and giving them second, third or 225th chances. la lang. isn't it quite tiring to be thinking negative things and carrying them like the proverbial monkey on your back? hehe, i SHOULD listen to myself more often! i'm starting to believe all these things... wait. i DO believe.
sorry kids, post-duty. scatterbrain. flood. well? people. i.. don't know. blacked-out just a fe moments ago and nearly hit my head on the keyboard. again... post-duty.

but that's not the point.

i'm sure i have one. maybe i'll make it soon, by the end of this post. or i have it, but am too wasted and sleepy to say it. WHOA! blacked-out AGAIN! aw, man.. what's happening to me??
yeesh...! now, i'm really not making any sense.

but that's not the point.

it never bothered me about... aw, heck. yesterday, i told the PRINCESS about the existence of a sunrise view on xray. "...you really learn something new everyday." today's "lesson" comes courtesy of the OPD, minor OR in particular, April 13, 2005 version. one: "attitude is everything". case in point? my 3rd patient. two: "you should never be 'just grateful' or 'settle'. case in point? my 2nd patient. three: "things have a way of working out, even better than the things you expect or want to. case in point? YOU guess which patient!

that said, magpakwento ka sa akin, ikaw na nagtiyatiyagang magbasa. oo, ikaw at yung ta sa likod mo!!!!

the point being...?

ok rin ang toxic na duty 'no? lalo na pag ayaw mo pa matulog for some reason kahit alam mo dapat matulo ka na pero mas masarap ata and mag-breakfast muna (plus dessert) bago maligo at matulog pero teka muna baka may palabas sa tv na sana basketball (badtrip, reeling ang sonics) o kaya bagong music video pero speaking of music ano nga ba yung CD na gusto ko bilhin? hehe. antok. na. ako. at parang lasing na dahil kung anu-ano na lang ang sinasabi pero kung isipin mo ok rin sabihin lang kung ano iniisip mo sa punton naiisip mo sya (pano kaya and mga pikon ant madadaldal??).

the point being...???!

---

forgive me... i'm pretty durn sure there's lotsa typoes (!!) in this post. bare with me. bear.. bear.
hehe, bear. i mean, bare. o, ano? what's so bad about being... transparent?? or being head over feet? or...

i'm back

good lord...! it's been (january, february, march, ap---), 3 freaking months since my last entry!! yikes... that's unforgivable! i was SUPPOSED to write my stories! THIS was supposed to be my sound board! dagnabit!!! but still, due to insistent public demand... (bully!!!) i'm back. at least for today.

thinking back, these past 3 months were eventful. a lot of things happened that were worth writing about but right now... tinatamad ako. off the top of my head, ano nga ba nangyari?? med came and went; people came and went. one was a fantasy, i guess. the excitement of novelty nearly got the better of me and i'm glad it didn't, although it was close. another one is probably reading this. it's kinda WIERD, how these things happen. another person is away, for now. another just left, maybe for good. while another... is hopefully back and will never EVER leave.

haha! that's vague enough for you, dear reader.. at kung gets mo kung sino-sino ang tinutukoy ko, aba...! special ka siguro. ;)

anyhoo... i'm back. it was great when things were simple a few months back. i hope to return to that kind of simplicity in the coming (remaining?) days. to get rid of extraneous stuff, to not think too much and over-analyze things, to... to... wag na nga... teka... to...oh well, la rin naman nagbabasa nito e... TO WIN THE PRINCESS OVER!!!! whoa! tall order, you say? ha! yup... tall order.

"see how it goes...?" and take the chance.

----
read this somewhere:
'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it - boldness has genius, power and magic in it.’

since we're on the subject of dreams... (how did that come about?)
another line:
"i'll throw away a chance at greatness just to make this dream come into play..."

that dream is... :)