THRESHOLD and BLISS part 1
Somebody once asked me if I was happy with my life. At the time, I thought I was, even answering that I was “content”. “Wow… content!” was the answer I heard on the other side of the phone. She said that contentment, while another form of happiness, it possibly exists at an even higher plane. Others might argue that being content is merely settling for what is given you, but contentment means reaching a point where you having nothing more to ASK for, knowing that whatever comes your way, everything is going to turn out alright. Come to think of it, while I meant what I said then, in hindsight, “content” may have been premature at the time. I was still bubbling up, waiting to break into the surface.
It’s been 3 months since that conversation. You may ask, what was different then? A great many things, and also nothing much. I was a few days removed from the start of my OtoRhinoLaryngology rotation, which I saw as a pivotal moment in my internship year. If I find that I’m still fascinated by this specialization after 2 weeks (as I was 2 years ago, during my first exposure to the field), then it’s most likely what I’ll end up pursuing after getting my degree.
I was on the verge of going on duty alone, for the first time, as an intern, with practically only a vague recall of the things I’ve learned the previous year. Of course, I was nervous. And afraid. Of being exposed for the likely fraud that I felt I was. What was the basis for the title “Dr.” right before my name on my red name plate? It felt as if I simply “survived” 4 years of medical school. Yet there was this ignorant calm along with an arrogance, a hit-me-with-your-best-shot attitude. A deadly combination.
As it happened, that first day went quite well. Splendid, in fact! For one, it added another notch in my belt proving how “benign” I was during ER duties. See, only 3 patients, including referrals from other departments, consulted for various ear, nose, throat problems, and all things in between. A kid swallowed a coin, a twenty-something woman complained of epistaxis and finally… finally, another patient with a condition I can’t quite recall.
This was around 7 in the evening. Already?? By then, unbeknownst to me, I was smitten, a realization which would hit me only 3 days and approximately 4 hours later. The line graph had a steeply positive slope, and everything was going great. There was a strange feeling in me, one that was quite familiar. However, I responded in a way unlike me, by doing things simply because I wanted to, not thinking too much about how she’d react or what others might think. Let them assume! Let them speak in whispered tones! I was doing what I wanted because it felt good, and I wasn’t stepping on anybody’s shoes, let alone hers.
You know what that space above is, between this paragraph and the last? One big blank. It’s a blank that will be filled at another time. Initially, I was happy, but I complicated my life needlessly, in more ways than one, with actual/imagined concerns/problems (take any combination.) And after that? Let’s just say the slope became steeper, albeit negatively. Eventually, things… What’s the opposite of plateaud, when things flatten out from a previous descent? THAT word.
Flash forward to the present. I am actually happy AND content. This is not the happiness that exists merely as surges of emotion, snippets in the film of life that you end up filing somewhere under “Made Me Laugh”. From the valley where I was, I found myself on a slow climb once more. Sure, there were a lot of false starts. There I was, bickering, bitching and moaning about why I had to start over when everything… EVERYTHING! was going GREAT (or so I thought). There were these questions that NEEDED answering which were more like paraphrases of each other. Why this, why that… why, why, WHY??
To anyone who cared to listen, especially my friends, I must’ve sounded like a proverbial broken record. But what could they do? They’re my friends and that’s what friends do. They took all I had to give them and separated the wheat from the chaff. Now, at this point, I’m teetering on the brink of being all mushy and emotional and turning this into an acceptance speech at some overrated awards’ show. “I’d like to thank…” Shyaddap, D! I can’t promise this won’t turn into that kind of a piece but, instead of thanking the whole world, I’m going to focus on The Two Lefties, who unexpectedly stuck, pulled me up and got me started on the climb, without them really knowing it. They’re the reason I started this piece in the first place, truth telling…
It’s been 3 months since that conversation. You may ask, what was different then? A great many things, and also nothing much. I was a few days removed from the start of my OtoRhinoLaryngology rotation, which I saw as a pivotal moment in my internship year. If I find that I’m still fascinated by this specialization after 2 weeks (as I was 2 years ago, during my first exposure to the field), then it’s most likely what I’ll end up pursuing after getting my degree.
I was on the verge of going on duty alone, for the first time, as an intern, with practically only a vague recall of the things I’ve learned the previous year. Of course, I was nervous. And afraid. Of being exposed for the likely fraud that I felt I was. What was the basis for the title “Dr.” right before my name on my red name plate? It felt as if I simply “survived” 4 years of medical school. Yet there was this ignorant calm along with an arrogance, a hit-me-with-your-best-shot attitude. A deadly combination.
As it happened, that first day went quite well. Splendid, in fact! For one, it added another notch in my belt proving how “benign” I was during ER duties. See, only 3 patients, including referrals from other departments, consulted for various ear, nose, throat problems, and all things in between. A kid swallowed a coin, a twenty-something woman complained of epistaxis and finally… finally, another patient with a condition I can’t quite recall.
This was around 7 in the evening. Already?? By then, unbeknownst to me, I was smitten, a realization which would hit me only 3 days and approximately 4 hours later. The line graph had a steeply positive slope, and everything was going great. There was a strange feeling in me, one that was quite familiar. However, I responded in a way unlike me, by doing things simply because I wanted to, not thinking too much about how she’d react or what others might think. Let them assume! Let them speak in whispered tones! I was doing what I wanted because it felt good, and I wasn’t stepping on anybody’s shoes, let alone hers.
You know what that space above is, between this paragraph and the last? One big blank. It’s a blank that will be filled at another time. Initially, I was happy, but I complicated my life needlessly, in more ways than one, with actual/imagined concerns/problems (take any combination.) And after that? Let’s just say the slope became steeper, albeit negatively. Eventually, things… What’s the opposite of plateaud, when things flatten out from a previous descent? THAT word.
Flash forward to the present. I am actually happy AND content. This is not the happiness that exists merely as surges of emotion, snippets in the film of life that you end up filing somewhere under “Made Me Laugh”. From the valley where I was, I found myself on a slow climb once more. Sure, there were a lot of false starts. There I was, bickering, bitching and moaning about why I had to start over when everything… EVERYTHING! was going GREAT (or so I thought). There were these questions that NEEDED answering which were more like paraphrases of each other. Why this, why that… why, why, WHY??
To anyone who cared to listen, especially my friends, I must’ve sounded like a proverbial broken record. But what could they do? They’re my friends and that’s what friends do. They took all I had to give them and separated the wheat from the chaff. Now, at this point, I’m teetering on the brink of being all mushy and emotional and turning this into an acceptance speech at some overrated awards’ show. “I’d like to thank…” Shyaddap, D! I can’t promise this won’t turn into that kind of a piece but, instead of thanking the whole world, I’m going to focus on The Two Lefties, who unexpectedly stuck, pulled me up and got me started on the climb, without them really knowing it. They’re the reason I started this piece in the first place, truth telling…
posted by D-Lo at 8/31/2004 09:40:00 PM
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