Flying Blind

NEXT!!!

2008-08-05T16:53:00.001+08:00

it's at demonbear247.blogspot.com. just around the corner... :)

CODE!!!

2008-08-05T15:36:00.004+08:00

i've decided to practically shut this blog down.

not this account, though.

see, i work in a hospital, spending more that half of my time in the OR. i've had my share of really critical (resist the urge to call 'em cases, OK??) patients, some who were strong enough and fought back from their predicament, while some were not as strong nor as lucky.

the last patient of mine to die was a jolly man of 66 years. he underwent heart bypass surgery a couple of weeks back and by many indications, it seemed he was a good candidate to recover and extend his life by a good number of fruitful years. compared to some of our previous patients the week before whom we thought undergoing the procedure would be their death knell (kulang na lang isarado na yung kabaong...), Mr. X was an Olympian!

for reasons we don't know, almost everything that could go wrong post-op went wrong. we couldn't wean him off the ventilator, couldn't wean him of the inotropes and cardiac drugs...at some point, i even found myself performing CPR on this man, thinking "what the heck is wrong??"

he 'recovered' from that first arrest episode but it was all downhill from there. coronary angiography 4 days after his operation revealed that ALL the grafts were stenosed/blocked/occluded just the same, meaning all the surgery did to him was shorten his time on this earth... and, no, lest you're thinking that anybody from the team was at fault, no. everybody did their part well. somehow that doesn't seem so comforting, especially to the family.

two days from his first arrest,he finally said goodbye. this happened a few hours after his wife mustered enough courage to finally face him. "mag-ingat ka sa paglakbay mo" she said to him. i left the room shortly afterwards, feeling ashamed to have listened in on parts of their conversation.

"CODE!"

CPR was done but he was never revived after. from the moment 'code' was called, almost everybody in the room knew that his time was up.

what does this have to do with this blog? after writing that...introduction, the impetus for this post seems a wee bit insignificant. just the same. sometimes it just is best to let go and, when circumstances permit, start over.

so there. i'm flying blind no longer. i'm heading towards the horizon, and stangely enough, i'm actually nearing it.

---

oh yeah. correction. mr. x wasn't the last. another curveball was thrown my/our way during my last day at TCVS. may you rest in peace too, sir.

"update mo naman blog mo..."

2007-02-11T01:50:00.000+08:00

i haven't been much of a weblogger the past few...well, for the past year. this is not to say that there has not been anything worth writing about. the only chance of that happening would be if i was living under a rock on top of some lonely mountain. the thing is, it's those very things worth writing about that have prevented me from writing! by the time i got around to sitting in front of my computer, the inspiration to write would often have passed.

now, you may ask, "why the sudden urge to write?" at 2a.m. with practically no sleep whatsoever from a 30+ hour duty day? no particular reason. there's just the urge to do so. i have to force myself to write in order to get back into the groove.

write, write, WRITE! i used to encourage a certain procrastinator friend to write, with those same words. she used to complain that she had no output for her creative energies and once remarked that she wanted to try her hand at writing or drawing. now, she blogs more than i do and is a budding photographer. (yeah, this is a little shout out to YOU. you know who you are...)

so there. i've updated. the first post of the year would've been perfect for a year-in-review piece, but seeing as it's already February, the feeling has passed me by. let's start with a clean slate, shall we? somebody poke me with a stick an force me, ok??

TAGGED

2006-02-05T18:09:00.000+08:00

nothing like a good kick in the ass (figuratively speaking) to get things going again. um, thank you ate Bie! ;P although i can't promise to update this as often as before. i could, but would anyone want to read about nonsense?? ANYWAY... without further ado!

====
4 jobs I've HAD in my life
A> Anesthesiologist (in training...)
B> assistant to the Defense Attache, Philippine Embassy, Singapore. (NOT an official title... i had nothing to do while vacationing there, so papa suggested i work for my money naman. so i did)
C> Procrastinator
D> Dreamer

4 places i've lived at
A> Camp Aguinaldo
B> Moonwalk Subdivision, Las Pinas (where the roads make you feel as if you're actually on the moon!)
C> Braddell Hill, Singapore
D> Ermita, Manila

4 tv shows i love to watch
A> BUFFY the Vampire Slayer!!!
B> (in a manner of speaking, i actuallyy hate) LOST
C> HOUSE MD
D> Monday Night Football (darn... for the third straight year, i'm missing the Superbowl!)

4 places i've been on vacation
A> Singapore
B> U.S.
C> Canada
D> Malaysia

4 websites i visit daily (or...when i can)
A> CNNSI.COM
B> Friendster
C> Gmail
D> Comicbookresources.com

4 of my favorite foods
A> PAELLA!
B> white chocolate mousse
C> dark chocolate
D> mangoes

4 places i'd rather be right now
A> anywhere with my baby!

4 bloggers i am (or plan on) tagging
A> (um, i haven't decided yet, but i guess...) bestfriendCelle
B> Changkee
C> Bilbs
D> YOU! you random blog hopper you... :)

think... think...

2005-11-03T19:35:00.000+08:00

How You Life Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

---

this i got from Cheche, who in turn got it from ate Bie, who got it from i don't know who... anyway. lessee how right these little thingamajigs are. and do they really say something about us or do we try and see them in ways that might fit us? hmm, i took up psychology and don't really know squat about anything "psych" anymore. it seemed a LONG time ago... i was young and stupid then. guess now i'm just old and stupid.

#1. do i tend to deprive myself of the things i crave, for my own good? hmmm... my answer to that would be a definite maybe. lately, what i want, i really WANT! and i think i have exerted a bit more effort (compared to young and stupid DLo)try to get these things. but they haven't quite worked out in the way i would want them to. now, i could say this applies to a lot of things in my life right now, and maybe it does, but who am i kidding? those of you who really know me know what (who?) it is i really want. i want to find THE ONE, like everyone else does. and some of my friends find it funny, but one line that keeps coming out of my mouth is "i wanna settle down! preferably in the near future... i wanna care for something larger than my self. parang i've been kinda selfish for so long, for many wrong reasons... and i'm tired. hmm... layo na ba sa 'things i crave' bit?

#2. YUP. I'm laid back and chill, but i sometimes STILL care about what others think. nothing to discuss there, right now. YUP. YUP. YUP.

#3. i PREFER a variety of friends, yes, but i (really hope and would like to think i) don't change friends quickly. what exactly does this mean? that you're my friend for now or that you're just some flavor of the month that falls out of favor? yikes... i hope i'm not that kinda person. so, my friends... please chime in on this one and tell me whether this applies to me/us. feel free to hit me on the head if it does. :)

#4.ahh... that one BIG dream. more like little, simpler ones strung together. sige, i'm gonna devote one post (or maybe a series, if i find inspiration. and time) just for this but for now... please refer to #1.

---
some shout-outs:

welcome back, PebbofwendCelle! (wag ka na umalis!!!)
congratulations, ate Bie!
hehe... congratulations (?) also, Celle! crossing fingers that this is 647. ;)

until then, i remain...

mr. hyde

2005-09-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

yeah, yeah. i know i just wrote about something more uplifting, but allow me this belated rant. this entry is about 5 days overdue and maybe i should've written it when there was more of an emotional 'oomph' to it. anyway... the watered down version:

WHY IS EVERYBODY LEAVING? (at one point, this mutated into a more selfish 'why is everybody leaving ME?') pssh! whatever. this is my take on one of carlo's posts last month wherein he was asking the world to just stop. whatever reason he had for writing that, i've no idea, but it sounded like a rant to me.

so. care to answer?

it is a fact of life that nothing is permanent. that any change is bound to disrupt any sort of equilibrium that has set. just when you were getting comfortable in your bed, you have to wake up. don't get me wrong, i'm not averse to any change at all! in fact, i find that i welcome it, to an extent. gimme new experiences, new challenges, new ideas and new people! upset the balance and tip the glass over so that it can be filled again!

not just this way...! yeah, i'm whining. in case you're asking, i'm not in 'crisis mode', i'm just ranting. about why YOU never took the chance, about why YOU have to say one thing and then do the other, about why YOU aren't back here, about why i can't reach YOU, about why YOU just can't let me be, about why YOU have to leave when you haven't actually arrived yet, about why YOU and i have this weird friendship, YADDA! YADDA!

somebody please feel free to just slap me out of this reverie. oh, and in case you're wondering. THAT rant wasn't about YOU.

merry christmas!

2005-09-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

yikes! the "-ber" months are once again upon us. you guys know how it is here in the philippines, where the yuletide season lasts practically 5 (or even 6!) months. last year, i had this little wager with Ziggy about the earliest date when i would hear the first carol. from what i can recall, i think i said that it would be on the first friday of september (i missed it by just one day! saturday morning was when i heard it in batangas). this year's carols came a little later, as i heard 'silent night' chiming out of some electronic toy at a stall in the greenhills tiangge. a few days earlier, i think i read something about christmas in the newspaper.

officially, the christmas season has begun and oh, you might say "matagal pa yan! 5 months nga 'di ba?" but before you know it, poof! the sound of (often) out-of-tune kids (ang sama ko naman!) and even firecrackers would be a distant memory. before you know it, you would be whining about the excess poundage we've all accumulated (and yet still be missing all the goodies you had). before you know it, everybody would be back to wearing their "work" faces and be all crummy and inconsiderate and irritable. before you know it, (well, 'di naman siguro... but stranger things have happened) another year might have passed and i would be writing an eerily similar message.

so there, now that you've been warned, maybe you could get a head start on your christmas shopping, for the people you care about (and some you don't care for as much) and also for yourself. maybe you could, well, go on a prophylactic exercise program for the inevitable weight increase.

or maybe, just maybe... and it really wouldn't hurt too much, if at all, to start thinking about how your year has been so far. there's still time to make the most out of the months remaining. to know where your priorities lie and recognize what the most important things are, especially... (finish this sentence!). basta. i don't wanna get mushy and all, but you get the drift. smile like you mean it and feel it, not just because it's christmas. there's a lot to be thankful for, in spite of all the negativity around.

bullets

2005-09-04T12:41:00.000+08:00

hmm... these will pretty much be random thoughts, and i won't be thinking too much about writing something that'll blow your socks off. but if i do pull out a gem somewhere in this li'l old brain of mine, well, be glad. so here we go...

first... why the bullet format? la lang, must be influenced by all the tables and diagrams and figures in all my books. teka... alam ko na. kasalanan 'to ni Cheche!! hehe! sulat lang ng sulat!
similar to what's happened in the past... i've neglected this blog a bit. mas madali kasi i-maintain yung sa Friendster e. maybe i'd write stuff over there for "public" consumption and dedicate this to more personal and intimate stuff. maybe i'd put up pictures of my drawings and ambigrams there and write my stories here. maybe i would say one thing over there, with a matching *wink, wink* and pour my heart out over here. all that to keep you guys (my audience of...4?) hopping from one blog to the next.
what is there to do now that the big bad board exams are over? tick off as many as i can from my 'life plans' list. there's reading and writing and drawing and traveling and trimming down and so on and so forth... however, there's only so much i can DO before reality starts tapping me on the shoulder again (pre-residency starts in a little over a month). another thing to do: update the life plans list in a month, complete with updates and accomplishments. so for those who know me? remind me of the things i need to be doing! :)
watch out for the STORY of the century, hehe! (ooh... bet you're wondering what that is!)

my version of Peachy's

2005-07-28T14:18:00.000+08:00

(i'm slacking, at the most critical time of my review, which is the home stretch...)

LIFE PLANS, version 1.01

1. PASS (at least!) the Physicians' Licensure Exam - THE priority right now. (hits self on head..."dammit, study!") everything that follows is not necessarily in order of priority or importance. hehe, kung kilala mo ako, baka ma-gets mo kung ano ang importante. ;)

2. learn to cook PAELLA. or bake a nice, chocolate cake.

3. WRITE my stories! there's the love story (which could end up as a collaboration with...); there's the wonder-years-set-in-college-meets-the-indiana-jones-meets-serendipity-meets-x-men tale, etc...

4. DRAW my stories. at least the short, violent and weird one (in a twilight zone-ish way) set at the PGH ER.

5. go on a ROAD TRIP.

6. replace my "one-pack" with a SIXER. haha!

7. join a flag FOOTBALL league. or some other team sport.

8. catch up (and expand) on my READING LIST namely harry potter 4, 5 & 6 (i have to finish 'goblet' first. i've started it, oh, around 5 times already, never getting past chapter 6!), artemis fowl 4, the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay, brave new world, the new one by nick hornby (the title of which escapes me, at the moment) plus loads of other books which my sister has ('like water for chocolate', some coelho books also...)

9. clean my room and closet of clutter. as some of you may know, i'm a pack rat. kung pwedeng may hindi itapon o ipamigay, itatago ko. i've lotsa old magazines & songhits, concert/movie tickets, old sketchpads, cassette tapes (!!!), comics, shoes, shirts, old pencils and crayons... you can just imagine the mess my room is. then again, di lang naman ako ang naglalagay ng "kalat" sa kwarto e. since i've been practically away for the past 5 years, my room has become the default storage room at our house, which really pisses me off, but i haven't really had time to rant, much less "de-clutter".

10. SKYDIVE. or BUNGEE.

15. grow my hair long enough to braid into cornrows. i haven't worn my hair really long so i just want to know how that'll look (i can imagine... hehe. panget! nyahaha!) and feel.

18. become CHIEF RESIDENT? :)

20. UPROOT myself, finally, from Manila.

21. SETTLE down. (meaning, i first have to find... YOU. wherever you are.)

33. attend a major sporting event. the SUPERBOWL. or OLYMPICS.

39. sing or play in a BAND. hehe. yeah right. (this is the part of the list where i start dreaming...) sige na nga... at least learn to play the guitar better.

46. see U2 or STING, in concert!

54. RETIRE on a secluded island

55. be CONTENT

the dream is over: SONICS watch finale

2005-05-20T16:12:00.000+08:00

and so it goes... the dream of seeing the SONICS as the 2005 NBA champions ends with a heartbreaking 98-96 home loss to the San Antonio SPURS, thanks to a last-second shot by Tim Duncan. I wasn't able to watch it since i was at school for our baccalaureate (did i get the spelling right?) mass. Anyway, it was a hard-fought series, with the Spurs favored heavily. Despite injuries to key players (as I mentioned in previous posts), it wasn't a lopsided affair like many people thought. Who knows what could've been had Radmanovic and Lewis been healthy? Oh well. There's always next season.

Ah... next season. It's really premature talking about next season, when the current one isn't over yet. (Of the remaining contenders left, I'm rooting for the SPURS in the west and the HEAT in the east) This off-season looks to be a pretty interesting one for my team, given that they have 9 (!!) players expected to become free-agents, including top-scorer Ray Allen, coach Nate McMillan and other key reserves. Here's hoping they maintain a good core and are able to add a few solid pieces to remain competitive.

Artemis Fowl

2005-05-18T22:37:00.000+08:00

oh... no biggie. just a pleasant surprise. i had dinner earlier this evening with my parents and sister at Greenbelt. While waiting for our food, ate K and i decided to look around over at Tower Records and Powerbooks, being the music and reading buffs we are. In particular, i was looking for The Adventures of Kavalier and Clay (a Pulitzer prize winning novel... about comic books, among others!) by Michael Chabon since it the store had no stock a few weeks ago. As i was browsing the new books section, leafing through a Roald Dahl compilation, something very unexpected caught my eye... A new Artemis Fowl book! Yay! needless to say, i snapped it up.
i couldn't wait to get home and start reading my books, both of which i'd better finish soon. i HAVE to (seriously) start studying for the boards soon...

SONICS watch, etc.

2005-05-18T17:41:00.000+08:00

i was going to write last monday, after the SONICS (yup, i insist on highlighting) evened up the series against San Antonio. However, i missed the game and only read about it on the net how my team played a good game, the absense of their 2nd & 3rd leading scorers notwithstanding. This was the second game (in a row) in this series that i missed and the second (in a row!) that my team won. hmm, go figure...!

(would the "streak" continue?)

today, game 5 of the series was played in San Antonio. the SONICS came out flat in the first quarter but managed to even it out come halftime. (yeah!) entering the second half, the hope was there that we could pull this off. however, in an almost eerily fashion, the second half started like the first as the SONICS missed about seven of their first 8 shots. It was pretty much catch-up basketball from that point onwards and my team fell short. no thanks to the brilliance of that sweet-shooting, hardworking, Argentinian SOUTHPAW Spur Manu Ginobili. i mean, 39 points on 10-15 FG shooting, plus all the little (BIG!) things that matter such as passing and defense! darn...! he's the difference maker in San Antonio right now, no question!

Still, the series is not over. Not by a longshot! My SONICS have shown that they've got what it takes to hang with these mighty tough Spurs. All it takes is a commited defense, solid rebounding and a balanced attack, which i know my team can put together.

---

this past weekend, i went to Engkanto Kingdom after, oh... 5 years; my first visit since i started med school. i wasn't too keen on going initially since i knew there was no real new addition since the park opened almost 10 years ago. still, the tickets were FREE and you don't pass up on such things. (a song comes to mind...) plus, i got to spend time with my cousins, whom i get to see rarely, if at all. pucha! ang lalaki na nila! napag-iwanan na talaga ako! hehe! pero ok na rin, nakakaaliw, being able to relate to them in a more mature level. not just kiddie games, but sports... not just toys, but, um, girls (bad example? hehe) AND school AND other less "juvenile" things.

(me and my bro...)

(with raffy. i like this picture despite the distortion...)

(goofing around with Patty, near the merry-go-round)

(fire in the hole! with Chip, Miggy and Raffy. hmm, i've got that face on again... what the?)

these were (obviously) taken at night, just before we went home. Didn't get to experience all of the rides since it was late afternoon when we arrived but we got to ride the Anchors, Log Jam, play Paintball and "bully" a few kids in the bump cars, hehe. (KIDDING, of course!)

SONICS watch

2005-05-13T17:52:00.000+08:00

yeah! finally, my SONICS won a hard-fought one, 92-91! i didn't get to watch it but i was definitely there in spirit. here's hoping Rashard "he-really-needs-a-nickname" Lewis recuperates from his sprained toe. when i read this at NBA.com, i was thinking "what the heck?! how do you sprain a TOE?" hehe. guess that just means these athletes subject their body to so much stress that not even a toe is spared...

2005-05-11T19:31:00.000+08:00

catching Z's... :)

2005-05-11T19:30:00.000+08:00

view from the hammock

Today is...

2005-05-11T18:46:00.000+08:00

...May 11, 2005.

in a parallel universe, i would be writing this:
"whew! i know, i know! i've been ignoring my blogging duties. it's been a hectic week since i finished internship and today's the first day i've been home since April 30! since May 1, i've been to Calatagan (thanks to Ants in the Pants!), soaking in the sun and basking in the amazing company of friends... participated in a sumptuous feast in Malolos, Bulacan (thanks to my funny- looking brod, hehe) before driving off to Pagudpod and spending 3 idyllic days there, killing time, enjoying the waves, partying like there's no tomorrow... spent time with brods & sisses (both resident & alums) in Dagupan before going back to Manila... stopping-over at Tinggy's for his birthday, practically getting wasted, knowing full well that the following day, it's off to Sagada, then Galera, then Anilao...!"

(um, even in a parallel universe, that wouldn't have been possible, what the last line said. 3 days, all those places??! hehe.)

in reality? yup, i did go to Calatagan; ate at FLK's in Malolos; celebrated Tinggy's day... that's about it. i DIDN'T get to go to Dagupan (damn Pajero!!! itapon na nga yang auto na yan!!), much less Sagada, Anilao AND/OR Galera. i just spent the past 2 days here at home, watching the NBA playoffs, reading tw7sted, doing crossword puzzles, writing & drawing. sayang nga lang, ok sana mag-travel, pero as far as summer bummin' goes? i'm doing quite well. :)

---

i wonder about the selection process of the NBA MVP. true, it's long been a debate as to what qualifies a player to be named as such. dapat ba talagang BEST player, stats-wise o more of yung VALUE talaga sa team? this year, i guess Steve Nash "won" over Shaq because of his value to the Suns, given their 33-game turnaround from last year and their record this season during stretches where Nash was injured. given that argument, shouldn't Jason Kidd have won the award, over Tim Duncan, during his 1st year with the New Jersey Nets? la lang. Kidd is also definitely a better player than Nash, on both ends of the court... just a thought. Congratulations to Steve Nash just the same.

still on ballin'... my SONICS are down 2-0 to the awesome SPURS. darn. :(

the penultimate day

2005-04-29T16:05:00.000+08:00

i should be finishing up my paper right now, which i have to submit by 5pm but i just couldn't stop thinking about something... specifically the events i referred to in my last post.

that said, i've made the following conclusions:
1. i was drunk. really drunk a word of advice? try and stay within your limits, especially if you're post-duty. i guess that applies for most other situations. don't bite off more than you can chew, yadda yadda.
2. i was thinking too much and made a bigger deal about it than i should have. at least that's the impression i got froM...
3. on a much deeper level, i fear my priorities are shot... and while it doesn't scare me yet, i'm going to have to deal with them all soon.
4. yup, real problems are "better" than imagined ones. they make life much more interesting and worth living...

...i'd better finish my paper first.

"moon is up..."

2005-04-26T21:52:00.000+08:00

"...The sun is down. You can't have it both ways 'round. Won't you listen to me? We are worlds apart, you see..."

my idea was to post a message during each of the final 10 days of internship. so much for that! this week has moved along at quite a slow pace then suddenly, i've the rug pulled from under me. it's been a very quick 24 hours. everything was fine, especially last night. i was with friends, on a very relaxed night out. and for a time, everything was perfect. sure, the alcohol helped a bit, hehe, but more than that, it was the comfortable company that made things click. our laughter punctuated the air, which was more inebriating than any liquor and infinitely better. it seemed we would never run out nor tire of stories we've heard over and over again. our bliss almost tangible. but, like all good things... :(

anyway... shit. i did something very selfish and irresponsible and something which may turn out to be hurtful. and maybe i'm thinking about it too much and over-analyzing it, but just the same, i'm hating myself for it. and it's only now that it's biting me in the ass. while it may be a bit too late and fall on deaf ears, i'm sorry, M.

as for you, dear lone reader, we are going to have to talk...

"(The) moon is up. The sky is black. I'll sail away and won't come back. The sun goes down, the stars will rise and dance across the darkened skies...

counting down

2005-04-19T21:37:00.000+08:00

TODAY is another POST-duty day, my FIRST in my LAST rotation at the People's Gateway to Hell as an intern. Usually, I have a lot of things on my mind that i may want to write about. You know, the thoughts that were marinating in muh brain during the past 24 hours or so but tonight... i'm kinda impotent. Figuratively speaking.

Tomorrow's graduation day, hey! but, it's the first of two since this is the university rites. The MD class 2005 is slated for next month so tomorrow's gonna be something of a "rehearsal" graduation. maybe a 'dummy' grad? tomorrow's gonna have it's moments but being set in while still in the midst (even though tail-end na) of internship kinda diminishes its impact. or is it just me, trying to downplay it?

la lang... parang practice ang dating. practice mag-march, practice mainip, practice mag-pose for the cameras, practice, practice, practice umiyak?? haha! pero pano nga kaya ang pakiramdam bukas? yikes, REAL life fast approaching! pero for now, i'll just take it one day at a time, enjoy the remaining 11 days of my life as a med student...

hmm... an idea springs to mind. (sorry ulit kung wala kang naiintindihan...)

scatterbrain

2005-04-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

last night i went on duty at the ER. it wasn't as toxic as the usual duties.. wait, wait. what am i saying?? it WAS toxic! i didn't even get a wink of sleep or even got to eat on time! the patients just kept on comng. undercover policemen with gunshot wounds... a "crazy" (sorry for the term, yoko na masyado mag-isip) woman who got electrocuted and fell from the roof... a man with half his face hacked off... all sorts of people with each their own unique (tragic?hilarious? freaking stupid?)stories that i wouldn't be able to think up, even if i tried.

but that's not the point.

what is it with me lately? a few years back, i could pride myself with being a level-headed, extremely patient guy. these days though, it doesn't take much to get me riled up. of course, there are some instances when i'm the exact opposite. the opposite being...? infinite patience. or maybe indifference. it depends on the person or situation. (i can feel an onrush of thoughts coming.. where to start, where to start? will you be able to handle the flood??).

persons. i can never hold a grudge, i think. maybe it's the belief in the inherent goodness of everybody and giving them second, third or 225th chances. la lang. isn't it quite tiring to be thinking negative things and carrying them like the proverbial monkey on your back? hehe, i SHOULD listen to myself more often! i'm starting to believe all these things... wait. i DO believe.
sorry kids, post-duty. scatterbrain. flood. well? people. i.. don't know. blacked-out just a fe moments ago and nearly hit my head on the keyboard. again... post-duty.

but that's not the point.

i'm sure i have one. maybe i'll make it soon, by the end of this post. or i have it, but am too wasted and sleepy to say it. WHOA! blacked-out AGAIN! aw, man.. what's happening to me??
yeesh...! now, i'm really not making any sense.

but that's not the point.

it never bothered me about... aw, heck. yesterday, i told the PRINCESS about the existence of a sunrise view on xray. "...you really learn something new everyday." today's "lesson" comes courtesy of the OPD, minor OR in particular, April 13, 2005 version. one: "attitude is everything". case in point? my 3rd patient. two: "you should never be 'just grateful' or 'settle'. case in point? my 2nd patient. three: "things have a way of working out, even better than the things you expect or want to. case in point? YOU guess which patient!

that said, magpakwento ka sa akin, ikaw na nagtiyatiyagang magbasa. oo, ikaw at yung ta sa likod mo!!!!

the point being...?

ok rin ang toxic na duty 'no? lalo na pag ayaw mo pa matulog for some reason kahit alam mo dapat matulo ka na pero mas masarap ata and mag-breakfast muna (plus dessert) bago maligo at matulog pero teka muna baka may palabas sa tv na sana basketball (badtrip, reeling ang sonics) o kaya bagong music video pero speaking of music ano nga ba yung CD na gusto ko bilhin? hehe. antok. na. ako. at parang lasing na dahil kung anu-ano na lang ang sinasabi pero kung isipin mo ok rin sabihin lang kung ano iniisip mo sa punton naiisip mo sya (pano kaya and mga pikon ant madadaldal??).

the point being...???!

---

forgive me... i'm pretty durn sure there's lotsa typoes (!!) in this post. bare with me. bear.. bear.
hehe, bear. i mean, bare. o, ano? what's so bad about being... transparent?? or being head over feet? or...

i'm back

2005-04-11T15:03:00.000+08:00

good lord...! it's been (january, february, march, ap---), 3 freaking months since my last entry!! yikes... that's unforgivable! i was SUPPOSED to write my stories! THIS was supposed to be my sound board! dagnabit!!! but still, due to insistent public demand... (bully!!!) i'm back. at least for today.

thinking back, these past 3 months were eventful. a lot of things happened that were worth writing about but right now... tinatamad ako. off the top of my head, ano nga ba nangyari?? med came and went; people came and went. one was a fantasy, i guess. the excitement of novelty nearly got the better of me and i'm glad it didn't, although it was close. another one is probably reading this. it's kinda WIERD, how these things happen. another person is away, for now. another just left, maybe for good. while another... is hopefully back and will never EVER leave.

haha! that's vague enough for you, dear reader.. at kung gets mo kung sino-sino ang tinutukoy ko, aba...! special ka siguro. ;)

anyhoo... i'm back. it was great when things were simple a few months back. i hope to return to that kind of simplicity in the coming (remaining?) days. to get rid of extraneous stuff, to not think too much and over-analyze things, to... to... wag na nga... teka... to...oh well, la rin naman nagbabasa nito e... TO WIN THE PRINCESS OVER!!!! whoa! tall order, you say? ha! yup... tall order.

"see how it goes...?" and take the chance.

----
read this somewhere:
'Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it - boldness has genius, power and magic in it.’

since we're on the subject of dreams... (how did that come about?)
another line:
"i'll throw away a chance at greatness just to make this dream come into play..."

that dream is... :)

Today is...

2005-01-13T22:23:00.000+08:00

...January 13.

and i should be studying!!! instead, i'm here at the internet shop, typing away... which isn't a bad way to end my day. i could be drinking, or worse (?), sleeping. i had a few things on my mind just before i came here, but they've all been swamped by certain "mababaw" things. such as the comics i read earlier tonight, (100bullets and the Ulitimates, FYI)... the fact that my "past" is sitting just two units to my right, haha! ang galing din 'no? we're actually really good friends still! HOWEVER... now's not the time to reminisce and such.

this week has actually been a good week. i started my internal medicine rotation @ the PGH OPD last monday and, hey! what do you know?! i actually picked up on stuff these past few years in med school! la lang, sobrang kinakabahan lang talaga e. you know the feeling that you're supposed to know this and that about that and this (medically speaking,in my case), but you somehow can't shake the feeling that you actually don't know squat...? as it turned out, i knew things! i was able to think clearly during the time i was interviewing my patients, including different things to consider in diagnosing their ills (history, physical exam, differentials...). pati ako naniwala sa mga pinagsasasabi ko nung nag-e-explain na ako sa pasyente! ANG GALING! i feel... invigorated, to say the least. :)

(oh yeah... thankY Peach! for the kind words, for trusting me with your stories...)

--------

i really am going to have to start my stories soon... for now, though, i'm saving my "love story" for when i feel i'm good enough to deliver on its promise. that said, i guess the Princess and the Peach will have to wait a little bit longer. hmm, has a nice ring to it... the Princess and the Peach. what do you think? (anybody who's ever read ANY of my entries...) another story idea. or a poem. or... g'nyt, for now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2005-01-08T17:09:00.000+08:00

...what it says on the title.

hmm, where the heck to begin...? see, it's been over a month since i wrote here, and in that month, many things have happened. the week i turned 27 was the best week of the year, bar none! it started with a ho-hum post duty day on the 6th of December and there i was, on my bed, on the eve of the 7th thinking "how's this birthday going to measure up...?"

aw, man... this is what i get for getting too lazy. i wrote/typed a lot this past month, stuff about all the things that were happening to me at the time, and i had them all saved up in this little laptop of mine. however, for some reason, even though i went online enough times, i wasn't able to post at least once. and now, i've lost the magic of all those entries. they're all in the great cosmic recycle bin in the sky... MY HARD DRIVE CRASHED LAST WEEK!!!! grumblegrumble....

anyway, i'm over it. maybe i'll try to recreate those entries little by little, in some sort of update or year-in-review thing.

SONICS watch

2004-12-03T10:12:00.000+08:00

14-3!!!!

Post duty

2004-12-03T08:56:00.000+08:00

it's 9am and i have this overriding need to put thoughts to words. you know those moments when you feel as if you're going to explode and that have to let loose pent up thoughts and feelings (NOW!!!) or else you'll end up kicking yourself over and over because of regret? it doesn't just happen in the context of romance, you know? ("hey... i just felt i had to say it"; pshh!). anyhoo, inside i'm still running on adrenalin from labor room duty (my last!!). what was it that i wanted to share? it sounded ok in my mind as i was walking to this internet cafe. hmm, mind... slowing...down.
what was i going to write about? the december storm currently ravaging manila (and the rest of the philippines, it seems)? i had these story ideas last night while waiting for to assist at a delivery of conjoined twins (!!), about,um, a storm. storm of the century? nah, it's been done before. basta! something alongthose lines, a storm that becomes a nexus of about 4 to 5 characters' lives, yadda, yadda. NEXT! sheesh, tinatamad na agad, di pa nga nag-uumpisa...
the highlight of my duty? the aforementioned delivery of conjoined twins! twin pregnancies are not as rare as one might think, but still, it's a pretty remarkable occurrence when you encounter it. what more with conjoined twins? we've read about it in papers, saw clips on the news. a few months ago there was this feature on an ambitious op to separate filipino twins; and before that, those middle eastern women. were they iranian? Hoo... so there we were, last night. Dr.Villa was the surgeon, Dr. Sy as first assist,and me, 2nd assist. normally, only 4 people are in the OR for a C-section, 5 counting the anesthesiologist, but last night, whoa! it was like a carnival! more than 20 people were in the room, including nurses, the pedia surgery residents (on standby in case immediate surgical intervention would be needed for the twins), the pedia residents, the neonatology fellow, and even a utility worker or two was watching. there was a certain electricity in the air, an almost tangible mixture of excitement, fear, hope and wonder. hehe, it kinda felt weird standing there watching everybody on the edge of their... toes, watching the operation. i wonder what dr. villa must've felt like (the pressure, the PRESSURE!!!). yikes. thankfully, all went well, the twins were delivered without any difficulty, much to the delight of everyone! you could almost hear a collective sigh of relief when the first cries came from them babies li'l mouths. and just like that, the carnival was over. everbody else went to catch a glimpse of the babies just before they were brought up to the neonatal ICU for further observation, and then went on their way,with a story to tell...

---
oh,boy. it's december already.... it's been a YEAR since...

Oh, yeah...

2004-11-15T23:40:00.000+08:00

WALA LANG!!!! :D
SONICS are on a SIX-game win streak! yeah, SEATTLE! hopefully, this won't be another flare-up before burning away like the previous years...

Life plans

2004-11-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

it's almost 11pm on a post-duty day and i should be asleep, if not for the following reasons:

1.) i don't feel the normal post-duty drowsiness. in fact, i haven't slept a wink since coming home from labor room duty. why so? i got to sleep in the LR, a good 7-8 hours sleep, straight, in a bed, no less! this is totally legal, mind you, since there were no patients during that time, practically! ahhh... such a benign duty. i don't expect it to happen again soon, if at all, but it was a welcome change, and i was thankful for it.

2.) i have to write! i just... need to write this life plan i have, which sounded well a few hours ago as i was discussing it with Princess. oh well, here goes... see if it makes any sense or if i'm just... anyway. i've been thinking about this since awhile back and it concerns marriage, settling down (!), career plans, focusing on really important things... all these hopefully within the next 3 years. hehe. career plans? i'm not so sure of taking the U.S. boards when i graduate next year. the probabilities have always been like 70-30 above in favor of the MLE but lately, i don't know...

just today, i told Princess that the scales have tipped in favor of staying. not in manila though, somewhere... south, maybe. :D (bakit kaya?) uprooting myself specifically to... Ormoc City. don't ask me how that came about, and maybe it's just a random pick, a shot in the dark, but for now, Ormoc it is. i want a new environment, an urban ultra-lite Manila. i wanna wake up and be full of wonder at what the new day is going to bring, to learn, see, taste and experience new things! haha! some plan huh? fill in the details later? some plan!!! yeesh! and about marriage, starting a family, settling down and all that jazZ? what about lofty career plans of getting rich and famous?? haha! it's not like i'm throwing any sort of dreams away, or settling.... it's just that i want to care for something larger than myself, something... really, of my own.

i know this life plan's shot full of holes, like really shot! and maybe the way it was conceived was too impulsive, or hasty in its decision. and i'm definitely sure it sounds much better in my head now and when i was talking about it at stream-of-consciousness, but as of today, that's the plan! i'm invigorated by it, inspired by it, and that's what matters. hopefully, this'll be the star i hitch my wagon to. Hopefully, i get to Z this through. come along for the ride.... :)

Christmas

2004-11-11T01:08:00.000+08:00

it's practically Christmas here in Manila! anywhere you turn, there's lights everywhere, carols being played in the malls and over the radio. and darn, i've even found myself humming a Christmas tune a couple of days ago. aw... man! guess there's no use trying to deny it. i remember talking to Princess last july or august predicting when i'd hear the first carol played, and i missed it only by about 12 hours! :)

Christmas... sigh. this'll be the first one i won't be spending family. and it probably won't be the last. i just hope i won't be on duty that day, which'll be a bummer, for sure. it'll be like spending your birthday on duty... aw, man! still, that's more'n a month away, so i won't dwell on it too much. got a few more important things on my mind right now... ;)

***
i saw "the incredibles" just last Monday, and i must say i thoroughly enjoyed it (apart from the great company i had, of course...)! it had a more serious tone to it than i had expected (a pleasant surprise, being a comic book fan), but come to think of it, them Pixar animations have more going for them, in terms of story, than simply being eye candy. something about it makes me wanna watch it again, and kinda inspires me to flesh out the comic book story in my mind also. so much for med school? haha! kidding of course.... ;)

Finally...

2004-11-06T21:40:00.000+08:00

typing this on a post-duty day. yesterday was another high-risk duty at the shoebox from hell... which didn't actually FEEL like the usual shoebox atmosphere. it was actually quite benign, considering we admitted "only" 20 patients. pity for those at the admitting section though, hehe.

***

goodbye service C clerks (Jill, Abe and Pryl) for the past 2 weeks! we'll miss your company but not the toxicity, esp. Jill, haha! peace!

***

finally?
finally, i slept for more than 6 hours straight!
finally, i got my college undergrad yearbook! after 5 freakin' years...!!! hehe, i guess it was worth the wait. scanned through my yearbook, reserving a more leisurely trip down memory lane for when i'm less drowsy. :) i miss Diliman! but, aw, man!!! i cringed at the pages featuring... featuring... men in drag. 'nuff said! aw, man! haha!
finally, the new NBA season is in full swing!

Today is...

2004-10-29T17:29:00.000+08:00

...October 29, 2004.

It’s been almost two weeks since my community rotation ended. Since then, I’ve been here at the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology. Haha! Exciting isn’t it, delivering babies and all? What just bugs me is the routine does not change for a freaking two months!

On a pre-duty day, we’re supposed to go to the OPD to chart patients the whole day. The next day, is duty day, where one gets assigned to either the admitting section, 1 of 4 wards, or the labor room slash delivery room. Or the “shoebox” as I fondly call it.

This is the most draining of all three duties, where you have to monitor your patients while they’re waiting to deliver or be operated on; admit still more patients under your charge and assist in any procedure required of your patient. This you do for 24 full hours, where you’re stuck in the shoebox, where the idea of a break or breather does not exist. Sometimes, you end up having lunch at 5 in the afternoon and your dinner at, oh, 3am. Sometimes. Thankfully the next day, we have the day off, our post-duty day, which is practically spent sleeping and recharging for the next 3-day cycle.

So. Today was just one of those days when I wanted to get away from it all and laze around. As it turned out, there occurred an electrical snafu at the OPD, some transformer exploded or something. No OPD until they get to fix it and ensure that it doesn’t happen again in the near future. YEAH!!! Thank you sweet Lord Jesus for granting my request…
So, what to do, what to do… what to do?? Played basketball the whole morning with my brods Jerome and Carlo. It felt great playing again after an almost 2-month hiatus. In fact, I gotta pictcha taken… but for some reason, can't upload it right now...

Haha! The highlight of my day! yup, the highlight of my day so far… spent the rest of the afternoon in my room, eating, reading whatever and channel surfing. I also saw “Trainspotting” for the first time, upon my friend Milk Chocolate’s recommendation. Oh, and I typed this up for good measure, to have some modicum of output for the day… I feel kinda rejuvenated already, and the day isn’t over yet. Duty, here I come, I’m ready for ya!
How this day ends, I’ve no idea. No plans to do anything in particular. Will Z what happens… hope your day is going great.

2004-10-17T16:57:00.000+08:00

Darn... gonna miss this place! OB, here i come...! (groan...)

2004-10-17T04:13:00.000+08:00

champs!!

GO STORM!!!

2004-10-17T03:59:00.000+08:00

i guess my title says it all... congratulations SEATTLE STORM!!! woohoo! hehe, never thought i'd enjoy women's basketball so much, and not just the, um, ogling aspect of it (sue bird... sigh) but the actual play on court.

now, if only the SONICS could get their act together. here's hoping! the season starts in a few weeks...

EATING!!!

2004-10-03T23:43:00.000+08:00

back when i was a kid, i thought when a person vomited, he'd already eaten so much that it filled his whole body, first his feet and legs... moving up to his stomach and chest... then filling the hands and arms until the food had nowhere to go but up his throat and eventually out his mouth again! whenever i'd overeaten what i'd do was just stand still in a corner and not move, for fear that any movement might cause me to tip over and thus, vomit! hehe...

last week, i was pretty close to believing those things again when we went to various places to eat in our community. there was this barangay captain's birthday celebration, where there was lechon, molo soup, 2-3 kinds of chicken dishes, pasta, kaldereta...! and that was only on the first day! the followong days saw us eating in different carinderias, sampling the local fare (mostly dinuguan, tinola, kaldereta, nilaga) at a very, VERY low price! to top it off, on our last day, Cherish celebrated her (belated) birthday by treating our block to lunch. catered food = buffet! YUM!!! i love community... shame it's gonna end soon, with nothing for us to show for it save for, um, hehe, the french bread around our waists. haha!

2004-10-03T15:04:00.000+08:00

hehe! she's kinda shy... happy birthday Peach!

A Natural High

2004-09-25T23:27:00.000+08:00

Do you guys remember that scene in "My Best Friend's Wedding" wherein Julia and Dermot's characters were on this boat and talking about moment's passing people by, just as they passed under the bridge? Yeah, yeah, i know it's kinda a chick flick, but i SAW it, wasn't THAT bad... and i actually enjoyed it. That's not the point though! I just thought of that whole moments-passing-by thingamajig because that's I just went through just before typing this entry.

See, I started this writing this yesterday, and no, i haven't been in front of the computer for more than 24 hours straight just figuring out what to type. I already had 3-4 paragraphs written, talking about how I've neglected my little blogging exercise even though there were a lot of opportunities to write and lotsa stuff to write about, these past few weeks, such as community work cum "vacation" in Batangas, UP's UAAP run, american football, etc. However, when i pulled that file up, intending to wrap it just before publishing, I found that I couldn't quite gather enough momentum to finish the damn thing. I guess i shoulda finished it yesterday, in one sitting.

Anyway, I'm over it. The whole point of this (and aforementioned unfinished) post is actually about birthdays. Birthdays are supposed to be OUR own day, when all the elements of the universe should connive to make OUR day extra special. Thursday was my fwend Celladon’s birthday, one of The Two Lefties. Now, Celladon is a tooth fairy in this reality, a good one at that, plus almost always, she's very cheerful and lively in person.

Almost. :(

The past few days, however, it seemed as if she was a bit blue. Parang masungit at hindi ngumingiti nung isang araw! WHY? Maybe she was just tired from hospital work, burned out and a bit under the weather. My guess was that the realization of her birthday coinciding with a duty day bummed her out. I can relate because the same thing happened to me last year, and believe you me, it simply sucks having to celebrate your day in a virtual cage. Everywhere you turn all you think about is work, work, work, patient, patient, patient, procedure, procedure, never-freaking-ending procedures!

Knowing her predicament beforehand, I decided earlier in the week to pay her a visit on her birthday, to do my own small part in hopefully making her day better.... even if it meant driving back to Manila from Batangas! I don't think i need to include details here of what happened, but suffice it to say, the trip was well worth it. Emergency Room setting notwithstanding, it had all the makings of a birthday party! Laughter was all around, everybody had a story or two to share; there was singing, and even a cake complete with a candle to boot! And presents too! hahaha! (pictures to follow? Peach? hehe)

Alas, all good things come to an end, and this was no exception. "Move along", Father Time said. Eventually, a patient was referred to their service that Celladon and "Aw, Man!" had to attend to. We were at the ER, after all. It was inevitable that we had to say our bye's and see-ya-soon's but for that hour or so, it was... perfect.

Gnyt Pwinzezz

2004-09-25T17:25:00.000+08:00

what started out as a simple "good night..."
---

Zya n dreams f green skies
red earth
n golden waters
where magic is tangible
n bliss overflows
(9/2004)

Listen
and let a fleetng song
perfct n ur mind
gentle as a whisper
yet firm as a promise
lead u 2 a secret
peaceful corner
wer u cn b urself
& multitudes more
(9/07/2004)

a fair princess
serene in slumber
warmed by a blanket
of stars
caressed by the
pale glimmer
of moonlight
existing as yet
only in the dreams
of a vagabond
heart
(9/15/2004)

"i'm no princess...!"
---

A princess
need not be
perfect
to be the hope
behind wishes
& dreams;
has no need
for a vast kingdom
save for an honest
man's heart where
she is queen...
(9/16/2004)

Someday
all wishes will become
reality
Someday
there will be
no need for words
Someday
the you of
yesterday,
today
& tomorrow
will become one
and never leave...
(9/18/2004)

Further
into a maZe
of her imaginings
she glides

with a hint
of a smile
luring me
to follow

i try to keep up
only
to trip
and Fall

into tommorow

again
(9/20/2004)

"share! NOW!"
---
(nevermore....)
---

Inside a glass cage
a fragile castle of gems
spades, flowers
& hearts is kept
from would-be
conquerors &
reckless demons
who can only dream
of the prize
within
(9/22/2004)

"whatsitmean?"

THRESHOLD and BLISS part 1

2004-08-31T21:40:00.000+08:00

Somebody once asked me if I was happy with my life. At the time, I thought I was, even answering that I was “content”. “Wow… content!” was the answer I heard on the other side of the phone. She said that contentment, while another form of happiness, it possibly exists at an even higher plane. Others might argue that being content is merely settling for what is given you, but contentment means reaching a point where you having nothing more to ASK for, knowing that whatever comes your way, everything is going to turn out alright. Come to think of it, while I meant what I said then, in hindsight, “content” may have been premature at the time. I was still bubbling up, waiting to break into the surface.

It’s been 3 months since that conversation. You may ask, what was different then? A great many things, and also nothing much. I was a few days removed from the start of my OtoRhinoLaryngology rotation, which I saw as a pivotal moment in my internship year. If I find that I’m still fascinated by this specialization after 2 weeks (as I was 2 years ago, during my first exposure to the field), then it’s most likely what I’ll end up pursuing after getting my degree.

I was on the verge of going on duty alone, for the first time, as an intern, with practically only a vague recall of the things I’ve learned the previous year. Of course, I was nervous. And afraid. Of being exposed for the likely fraud that I felt I was. What was the basis for the title “Dr.” right before my name on my red name plate? It felt as if I simply “survived” 4 years of medical school. Yet there was this ignorant calm along with an arrogance, a hit-me-with-your-best-shot attitude. A deadly combination.

As it happened, that first day went quite well. Splendid, in fact! For one, it added another notch in my belt proving how “benign” I was during ER duties. See, only 3 patients, including referrals from other departments, consulted for various ear, nose, throat problems, and all things in between. A kid swallowed a coin, a twenty-something woman complained of epistaxis and finally… finally, another patient with a condition I can’t quite recall.

This was around 7 in the evening. Already?? By then, unbeknownst to me, I was smitten, a realization which would hit me only 3 days and approximately 4 hours later. The line graph had a steeply positive slope, and everything was going great. There was a strange feeling in me, one that was quite familiar. However, I responded in a way unlike me, by doing things simply because I wanted to, not thinking too much about how she’d react or what others might think. Let them assume! Let them speak in whispered tones! I was doing what I wanted because it felt good, and I wasn’t stepping on anybody’s shoes, let alone hers.

You know what that space above is, between this paragraph and the last? One big blank. It’s a blank that will be filled at another time. Initially, I was happy, but I complicated my life needlessly, in more ways than one, with actual/imagined concerns/problems (take any combination.) And after that? Let’s just say the slope became steeper, albeit negatively. Eventually, things… What’s the opposite of plateaud, when things flatten out from a previous descent? THAT word.

Flash forward to the present. I am actually happy AND content. This is not the happiness that exists merely as surges of emotion, snippets in the film of life that you end up filing somewhere under “Made Me Laugh”. From the valley where I was, I found myself on a slow climb once more. Sure, there were a lot of false starts. There I was, bickering, bitching and moaning about why I had to start over when everything… EVERYTHING! was going GREAT (or so I thought). There were these questions that NEEDED answering which were more like paraphrases of each other. Why this, why that… why, why, WHY??

To anyone who cared to listen, especially my friends, I must’ve sounded like a proverbial broken record. But what could they do? They’re my friends and that’s what friends do. They took all I had to give them and separated the wheat from the chaff. Now, at this point, I’m teetering on the brink of being all mushy and emotional and turning this into an acceptance speech at some overrated awards’ show. “I’d like to thank…” Shyaddap, D! I can’t promise this won’t turn into that kind of a piece but, instead of thanking the whole world, I’m going to focus on The Two Lefties, who unexpectedly stuck, pulled me up and got me started on the climb, without them really knowing it. They’re the reason I started this piece in the first place, truth telling…

princess unapparent

2004-08-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

clothed in indigo
of alabaster skin
crimson lips
and chestnut hair
moonshine in her eyes
pristine feet dancing over
peach pebbles
on delicate blades
and glittering grains

a veritable prize
a fleeting dream
preyed on by sly beasts
and wing-footed hunters alike
still unfazed, ever in control
evading pitfalls
protected by the unseen hand
of an invisible champion

in a different plane
a trading of coins and trinkets
pennies and dimes
tangible
enchanting amidst a sea
of disbelief and disillusionment

a melody thought long-forgotten
existing as mere fragments, notes
lingering, touching lightly
on memory

the promise eager to be heard
spoken of only in song

the tooth fairy, a wolf-tamer
a thief in the night
my princess unapparent,
unaware

Today is...

2004-08-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

... actually August 2, 2004.

but this was written yesterday, while i was on duty @ the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. with a designation like that, and being an intern that i am, you'd think i perform a very vital task related to patient care while stationed there. far from it. so what is there to do when you're stuck in a dead end duty post such as "manong" central?

i could rant about how you didn't study for 4 years in Med proper, toiling to get to internship and just performing menial tasks such as bringing specimens to and from the laboratory (from the 4th floor, you'd have to go down to the 1st floor before climbing up again to the 2nd floor to reach the lab, just because the administration saw it fit to bar the most accesible route...), following up on the results, doing your best to procure vials from other wards because of the lack of supplies in the NICU.

on the other hand, it is quite a "benign" post, you're able to free up up tp 2-3 hours in between your "manong" rounds. this provides an opportunity to catch up on your reading, academic or otherwise. in my case, i bought the day's issue of the inquirer, practically reading it from cover to cover. so now i know that the pink sisters are online, ready to accomodate our prayer requests via their website. there's the news about gracia burnham apparently clearing the military of any shady correspondence witht the abu sayyaf. a controversy's brewing regarding restoration of a mural inside the EDSA shrine without the original artist's involvement or permission. ateneo is now 5-0, (woohoo!) even without captain larry fonacier, who's out for the season with an injury. hehe, pati yung gulo ng mga barreto sa showbiz pinatulan ko! not that i'm saying it's beyond me to peruse the entertainment section every once in a while, hehe.

after seemingly soaking up on every little bit of info from the paper, i proceeded to tackle the day's crossword, which i didn't get to complete. i had to stop when i couldn't avoid peeking @ the answer key, haha! "low EQ ka na D Lo!" i could almost hear my (former) blockmate/crossword puzzle buddy/fellow miniature toy enthusiast Johann Leonardia say...

what to do in a dead end post, apart from ranting and raving and sleeping? i decided to channel my energies to something creative, and this is part of that endeavor. oh, i had planned on writing at least 3-4 pages worth of stories or poems or anything, but just kinda fell short. way short! ending up with just one poem.

so there, tell me what you think, my audience of none. till next time...

diamond in the rough

2004-08-01T04:32:00.000+08:00

You… the cryptic smile that sends a thousand meanings through the silence

You… of moonlit eyes so distant and removed, yet possessing the magic of a warm and tender caress

You… the calm center of an ever-present storm, where one finds peace, however fleeting

You… the beauty revealed through every imperfection that makes a world real

You… who enthrall me with every breath that leaves your lips, every utterance a mellifluous weaving of sound and stillness

In You, my soul finds a freedom longed for

Today is...

2004-07-25T09:43:00.000+08:00

...July 24, Saturday

As I type this, I don’t really know what it is I want to come out of this. I just want to WRITE a story. I’m sure I’ve had a go at this writing thing more times than I care to remember. There’s a comic book story about teenagers with super-powers on the run from government agent types (not an original concept, I know)… a novella/screenplay about love seemingly shallow, far-out, all-corny and yet, hopefully, endearing at the same time (with a “kissing” scene that can’t be beat...!). Digging deeper, there is also… yikes. another comic book story, this time about 3 friends from a University who, while acting out their Superbowl fantasies in a muddy field, accidentally find an ancient scarab in the guise of a rubber cockroach with supernatural powers and can turn dreams and ideas into reality (Ian Omero and Charlie Nakar… eto yung story natin!)

A “frustrated writer”, a “would-be comic book artist” and a struggling medical student who thinks he’s in way over his head… and who hasn't slept a wink in over 40 hours, so i guess i'll have to continue this some other time. (hmm, which story to write, which story...)

one day more

2004-07-22T17:10:00.000+08:00

or, as i've been humming for the past day or two...
"isang tulog na lang...!" as in that old Jolibee ad on tv.

as (probably) none of you know, i'm a medical intern who shouldn't have the time to surf the Net much less maintain a blog. however, i've been putting this writing thing on hold for the longest time, it seems, and if this is the outlet for me to write, then so be it. enough of this, for now, will just serve up a few tidbits on why this blog exists in later posts, along with other stories, fictional or otherwise.

"isang tulog na lang, Jolibee na naman!
ang araw lulubog, bukas mabubusog...!"

tama ba? anyhoo, one day more and i'm out of the pediatrics ward for good. Good riddance? well, not really, but close enough. pediatrics as a specialization is among the last of my considerations after i pass the board exams for medicine (naks! confident na confident a!). for one, i don't think i have the patience to deal with (at least) 2 patients, the parent & child, for each consult. it's depressing enough as it is to see so many kids (especially in the Philippines) sick and dying of illnesses otherwise curable/manageable/preventable if not for poverty playing such a significant factor. each time i face a patient, whether at the Out-Patient or wards, i have that thought lingering at the back of my mind.

my other rants about pediatrics are much less... serious (significant?), bordering on petty and childish. gusto ko medyo "benign" na rotation, hehe. sino bang ayaw? i don't want to end my day physically spent and emotionally drained with nothing look forward to except lie down and sleep, knowing full well i'd be facing the same situation the following day.

i'm just venting here. i really want to be a doctor, a good one at that, such that wherever you put me, i'll do my best for my patients, even if sometimes the best i can do for them is to "make do" with what i have. there is a silver lining to this cloud, rest assured, which i'll hopefully share soon.

how this post turned out to be serious is beyond me. i just wanted to say, "hey! i'm out of the toxic pediatric wards! i'll finally have some time for myself, my friends, my interests..."

one day more. ang galing lang talaga, 'no? last duty ko bukas, kung kailang shifting out na kami... oh well. ganun talaga e.

untitled (for K.M.W.S.)

2004-07-17T22:17:00.000+08:00

like a soapy bubble
the kind children create
and play with

drifting
to where the breeze takes me
content to simply being
afloat

not really expecting
(possibly, hoping)
to fly upwards just
onwards

yet mostly just wanting
not to fall...

hit the ground...

and inevitably

burst